Dating with Herpes in Midlife

Sex after divorce

The joys of sex without worrying about getting pregnant is a welcome consequence of menopause. No more birth control pills or diaphragm or even periods to get in the way. When you're in a committed relationship, this can be the beginning of a new exciting era in your sex life. For those in the dating world, however, there's still a need for an abundance of caution.

I recently heard several stories of individuals who have contracted herpes after re-entering the dating world. While this is by no means a death knell, it can be a very uncomfortable experience.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC, 2021), HSV-2 (herpes simplex 2 commonly known as genital herpes) infections are notably more likely to affect women than men. This reality brings to light the unique challenges faced by individuals over 50 who are stepping back into the dating scene or fostering long-term relationships amidst managing HSV-1 & 2.

It may come as a surprise, but research estimates that between 50–80% of adults in the United States have oral herpes, typically caused by the HSV-1 strain (John Hopkins Medicine, 2023). When it comes to HSV-2, responsible for genital herpes, we see that it occurs in 1 out of 6 people aged between 14 and 49 in the U.S. This strain can spread through genital contact or even when someone with a cold sore performs oral sex, thus spreading the infection to the genital area.

A staggering fact remains that a vast majority of those with genital herpes may not even know they have it. About 87% of individuals aged 14 to 49 years with HSV-2 have not received a clinical diagnosis (CDC, 2021). This statistic highlights the silent prevalence of this condition and underscores the importance of open, honest dialogues about sexual health and regular STI testing, particularly for those re-entering or currently navigating the dating world during midlife.

Living with HSV-2 brings not just physical symptoms but also emotional hurdles. The societal stigma attached to genital herpes can impact one's self-esteem and mental health, making the desire for close, romantic relationships feel daunting.

For many, the first infection might not be the last; the virus remains in the body, potentially activating and causing outbreaks at times of stress, menstrual cycles, or even after sun exposure. Understanding HSV-2's nature and triggers allows individuals to seek effective treatments and adopt lifestyle changes that minimize outbreaks' frequency and severity.

It's vital to underscore that a diagnosis of HSV-2 doesn't spell the end of romantic endeavors or sexual intimacy. There are several strategies to help reduce the risk of transmitting HSV-2, ensuring that individuals can continue to explore meaningful, loving relationships. These include using condoms (both male and female condoms are available) during sexual activity, limiting the number of sexual partners, getting regularly tested for STIs, and avoiding practices like douching, which can harm the body's natural bacterial balance.

Moreover, during outbreaks, it's recommended to avoid skin-to-skin contact until the symptoms fully clear. The use of prophylactic (preventative) medication like Valtrex can also significantly lower the risk of transmission during periods of asymptomatic shedding, which occurs 5-10% of the year, even without visible outbreaks.

Herpes does bring its own set of challenges to the table, it doesn't have to dictate one's love life or self-worth. By staying informed, embracing honest communication with potential partners, and practicing safe sex, individuals living with HSV-2 can navigate the nuances of dating and relationships with confidence and hope.